


closet lunatic

by them0th



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Black Mesa Sweet Voice, Dissociation, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mind Manipulation, Misunderstandings, Not A Game AU, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Slow Burn, They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), They/Them Pronouns for Bubby (Half-Life), Trauma Recovery, benrey and forzen are exes, benrey throws up sweet voice occasionally, benrey vapes, eldritch tendencies, important: tommy and benrey have known each other since they were teens, theyre also both trans, timeline bullshit, tommy and benrey both have adhd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24786892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/them0th/pseuds/them0th
Summary: benrey has a lot of pent up trauma that they need to sort though before they go feral.tommy's doing his best and gordon is angry.[discontinued.]
Relationships: Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman, theres eventual background tommy/darnold and background coomer/bubby
Comments: 37
Kudos: 280





	1. here, with myself, or so it was thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres already so many gordon trauma recovery fics so i decided to write benrey trauma recovery fic (with a bit of gordon trauma recovery because he does play a key role in this). featuring a whole ass backstory i made for them enjoy i guess
> 
> ALSO if you want to skip the benrey throwing up sweet voice part its from "Benrey's throat felt like..." to "...they physically couldn't."

It was cold.

It was always cold here, Benrey noticed. The temperature never seemed to change- it was always freezing.

Maybe that was why warmer temperatures were uncomfortable for them. They had spent so much of their life here that they'd simply adapted to the bone-chilling temperature of this place. They hardly even shivered here anymore, at least not like how they had as a child.

And now they were back. They had ended up right where they started. All because they fucked up and got killed. Well, as close to killed as they could get- there was no possible way for an eldritch being to die. Not for Benrey's species.

Light coloured orbs of various colours began to drift out of Benrey's slightly opened mouth. It was all they could do to communicate here- talking hurt too much and it felt like their throat was being burned. Doing things here in general hurt a lot, Benrey had learned over the years.

Why did it have to be them? Why'd they have to be the bad guy behind it all? They never meant to hurt anyone. They couldn't help but lash out, especially after years of being hurt, whether that be by the skeletons, the hunters, or this place.

They knew it wasn't right, what they did. They regretted every moment of what they'd done. But there was nothing to do about it now except stand here and think about it.

Here.

What was this place, anyway? Benrey never knew, nor did they think they'd ever know. It was cold, and dark, and endless. Everything was black. The place was textured like sandpaper, though Benrey, of course, couldn't see what it actually looked like, and Benrey tried their best to avoid touching anything because of that. Occasionally there was a pond of sorts, full of a black tar-like liquid that burned through flesh when touched. Sometimes, it rained that same liquid. But besides those few things, there was nothing else. No matter where Benrey went, there was nothing new. It was all too familiar to them, and they hated it. 

Most of all, though, it was quiet. There was no noise no matter what was done. The only things Benrey had ever heard here was the sound of their own voice when they attempted to speak but choked on the words, which eventually ended up with them on the ground, writhing and coughing out blood.

Benrey didn't like to think about those moments.

Benrey didn't like to think much at all. Not after everything that had happened in their lifetime. Yet, their brain raced with uncontrollable thoughts.

And now they were crying. It stung their eyes and the tears felt like flames licking against their skin. They rarely cried, so why now? Why-

They knew exactly why.

They wanted to apologize.

To Tommy, for fucking up their friendship. They tried their best to protect him until the very end and appreciated Tommy's efforts to get everyone else to understand them, despite it not working out so well. They appreciated Tommy beyond everyone else. He had always been there for them since they were young and had done his best to teach them about human behaviour.

To Bubby, for convincing him to go through with the plan to hand Gordon over to the military. If they had known beforehand what the military would have done to Gordon, they would have never done it.

And to Gordon, especially. Though they'd never admit it to his face, at least not properly, they cared about Gordon. Not in the beginning, of course, but as time progressed, they'd grown more fond of the scientist. Maybe even to the point of-

Well, that was another thing Benrey wouldn't admit, not even to themself, despite the many times they'd run off to spew out pinks and blues after certain interactions with Gordon.

They wanted to make things right, but they weren't sure if they could. Was it even possible to make it up to someone for almost killing them? Would Benrey even see the science team again? Would they even be able to escape this place again? Their longest stay here was because of a near-death experience, and this experience was even closer to death than that. It was as close to death as they'd ever get, well, ever, probably. Did that mean they'd stay here longer? They had no idea how it worked. They-

Benrey was snapped out of their thoughts by a crackling noise coming from behind them. A few extra eyes popped up on Benrey's head, looking around in all different directions in an attempt to see if someone was there. That was impossible, though- there had never been anyone here besides Benrey, and nothing here made sound.

What was it, then? Benrey's eyes continued to dart around frantically, a paranoid sense of fear overcoming them. Despite how much they hated it here, it was the only place they knew they were relatively safe. The only way they could get hurt here was from themself, and they knew that very well.

Maybe it was their imagination? That was the most reasonable explanation Benrey could come up with, and the only explanation that could calm them down even a little bit.

Yet suddenly, there were voices, and that immediately caused Benrey's panic levels to rise back up. Benrey couldn't make out what they were saying, nor could they figure out where the voices were even coming from. They opted to completely block out the voices to the best of their ability. There couldn't be voices, there was no one else here, and Benrey didn't think they could handle it if there was.

And now, it was changing. This place, it was _changing._ Every change Benrey noticed placed a new sense of fear inside of them. It was no longer black, but instead, a dark red, textured like some sort of rotting meat. And there were walls. There were walls now and they were closing in on Benrey.

Benrey's throat felt like it was closing up, and they couldn't breathe anymore. Since when did they even need to breathe? They couldn't be bothered to think further on that though, as they began involuntarily spewing out sweet voice. It left a bile taste in their mouth and it made them feel like they wanted to actually throw up, though they knew they physically couldn't.

They were scared. So overwhelmingly scared. Why was it changing? This place wasn't supposed to change. It was supposed to stay the exact same and Benrey was supposed to sit here and suffer for what they did and-

They definitely weren't supposed to feel someone grab their arms and start tugging at them from the enclosing walls. They tensed up. Was it the skeletons? Were they back for them? They couldn't be... could they? Benrey had never seen the skeletons in here. They'd only been able to see them on Earth.

Benrey decided to take a risk and peek behind them. They could see arms reaching through the walls, and they definitely had skin, so it wasn't a skeleton. But that didn't do much to help with their fear. Who was this? Why were they grabbing them and why couldn't they move and why-

Benrey could hear someone say something. It was muffled, so they couldn't understand what the person had said. But the person kept repeating it. What were they saying?

Before they could even process it or react in time, they were dragged into the wall. It was suffocating, and it burned. Benrey squeezed their eyes shut. They were unable to move voluntarily, but they could feel their muscles spasming and twitching.

Then the burning and twitching stopped. There was silence once more. Benrey's eyes slowly fluttered open, but everything was blurry. It was too bright compared to where they just were, and there was a ringing in their ears. They squinted, trying to adjust their sight, but only caught a glance of red and yellow before their eyes shut again and they were out like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this hurt me to write i havent written in months hlvrai fandom please don't let this flop I need motivation to finish this shit


	2. looking for a quick and easy fix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up! benrey has a minor panic attack this chapter. it starts at "So why wasn't that..." and ends at "They only managed to feel..." so skip if you need to :]  
> this chapters a lil all over the place as im still trying to get back into writing so sorry in advance.

When Benrey awoke, it was quiet again.

No more muffled voices, nor bright lights. It was dark and silent, and Benrey quickly realized they didn't know where the fuck they were.

The thought unnerved them as they slowly sat up, bones aching. That was new, they noted. They usually felt pain in a very numb and tingly way. They'd never experienced anything quite like an ache- they'd only heard of others talk about the feeling.

They noticed that they were in a bed, but they had no idea _whose_ bed it was. They glanced around the room, hoping that maybe they'd recognize something here to give them a hint towards where they were.

And oh, was it their lucky day, because they happened to spot a picture frame on top of the dresser. It was far away- the room was very big- and they had to summon a few extra eyes so they could properly focus in on the photo and who exactly was in it.

To their surprise, it was Tommy.

And Coomer. And Bubby. And Gordon.

They were all standing in front of some large tan building that Benrey didn't recognize, nor did they care to figure out what the building was for. In the background, behind them, there was some blurred grey furry.. thing? With a purple shirt? Benrey wasn't quite sure what it was supposed to be, as the camera wasn't focused on it, and decided not to dwell on it any longer.

Benrey suddenly froze when they noticed something else in the background. It was extremely tiny, lurking far behind the Science Team, and was even blurrier than the furry thing on the opposite side of the photo. They probably wouldn't have noticed it if it weren't for the fact they had nearly all their eyes open, which resulted in them having abnormally sharp and tunnelled vision.

It was the skeleton.

Benrey barely noticed as their fingers began to twitch at the sight of the skeleton. They couldn't take their eyes off it. Was it truly there, or were they just seeing things? Why would the skeleton even be there in the first place? Benrey had thought the skeleton only followed them around. Only tried to manipulate them.

Oh god, had the skeletons taken to following Tommy around now that Benrey wasn't- or rather, hadn't been- around? Were they going to manipulate him too? Benrey hoped to a god they didn't even believe in that wasn't the case, because if it was, they weren't quite sure what they'd do. They couldn't stand up to the skeletons. They never could.

Shaking their head furiously in an attempt to clear the thought, as Benrey desperately wanted to believe what they were thinking wasn't the case, a new stray thought popped into the front of Benrey's already racing mind.

Was this even real?

It couldn't be. This had to be some- some sort of sick dream. Benrey was dreaming and soon they would wake up and be back in that place, where they belonged. Everything would go back to how it should be. They were sure of it.

So why wasn't that happening? Why were they shaking, staring with almost bulging and unblinking eyes at the skeleton in the picture, fingers twitching and ears ringing?

They didn't want to go back, they hazily realized. The thought terrified them, yet they felt like they _needed_ to go back. Benrey involuntarily began to spew out sweet voice, watching the colours float up in front of their face as they faded from salmon to red and the high pitched sounds that accompanied it added to the ringing in their ears. They were shaking profusely now, yet they couldn't voluntarily move a muscle. They could only stare at the picture as they choked out sweet voice, the flavour burning their throat, various eyes popping in and out on their head, causing their vision to become heavily disoriented and unfocused. 

Benrey was completely disconnected from everything around them. To them, at this moment, there was nothing but them and that damn skeleton in the picture. They had completely locked their focus in on the skeleton, forgetting the main focus of the photo itself.

They only managed to feel a sense of brief security when long arms suddenly wrapped around them, the touch gentle and warm. Their shoulders tensed, and if it weren't for the fact that they couldn't move a muscle at the moment they probably would have ripped themself from the embrace.

Benrey's eyes slowly came back into focus when they heard a quiet hum, yellow and grey orbs beginning to float around them. They only knew one person besides them who could do the sweet voice, and they were in his house.

They let the humming and the orbs lull them into a safer and more solid sense of security. ' _Yellow to grey means you're ok_ ,' Benrey thought to themself as they watched the orbs float aimlessly. They gradually managed to let the tension in their shoulders go. ' _I'm ok._ '

The two stayed like that for a while- Tommy making sure Benrey stayed calm with his sweet voice, keeping his voice low and quiet as to not startle Benrey, gentle arms draped around them, while Benrey leaned into the touch and allowed it to happen.

Eventually, Benrey began to grow uncomfortable with the prolonged contact, and a couple of purple orbs rose out of their mouth to signal to Tommy that they were ok now. Tommy quickly retracted his arms and shifted his position so he was now sitting across from Benrey on the bed.

"...Hi," Tommy spoke up after a few moments of silence.

"...yo," Benrey replied after a couple more moments of silence.

It was awkward between the two, and that was obvious to both of them. Neither knew how exactly they were going to go about starting a conversation after everything that happened. Tommy knew Benrey well enough to be aware that they had trouble talking about things, but he knew they also _needed_ to talk.

"Where were you?" Tommy asked with a slight tilt of his head. Benrey tensed up at the question, eyes darting to the side to avoid eye contact with Tommy.

"..huh?"

Tommy let out a sigh. Maybe that wasn't the best way to start this conversation. He wasn't sure where to even begin with the questions, or what Benrey would be comfortable talking about at this moment, but he was determined to get something out of them.

"Are- Are you ok?" Tommy changed the subject with a new question. This one didn't do much to alleviate the tenseness in Benrey's shoulders, Tommy noticed, but did prompt something.

"whuh?" Benrey spoke, trying to dodge the question, but their emotions betrayed them as sweet voice slipped past their lips. They quickly snapped their mouth shut and put a hand over their mouth.

Tommy took a moment to observe the sweet voice. He hadn't seen Benrey use this one before, though he knew what it meant. 

"Mauve to ming... you're hurting?" Tommy's tone shifted to something akin to empathy as he spoke, slowly reaching out to Benrey as if they were a frightened animal.

The motion reminded Benrey that they didn't like being treated like an animal, and they recoiled from Tommy's hand, furrowing their eyebrows.

"'m not.." benrey mumbled, keeping their eyes glued onto Tommy, unblinking. They trusted Tommy, but in their current state, it was hard to act on that trust and let Tommy in on how they were feeling. They always had trouble opening up and usually opted not to at all. "sweet voice didn't mean nothin'." Benrey was trying their hardest to deflect from Tommy's questions, but unfortunately for them, Tommy was determined to help Benrey.

"I know that's a lie, Ben.."

"don't- don't call me that." The nickname reminded Benrey of earlier times. Earlier times where they were best friends. Earlier times where Benrey hadn't nearly hurt Tommy. Best friends don't try to hurt each other, so Benrey didn't think that, at the moment, they deserved to be referred to by that nickname. It was a best friend thing, and Benrey wasn't sure if they were on those terms again yet.

"Ok. Benrey," Tommy corrected himself. "You don't- you don't have to lie to me. I can see through those, remember? Like- like my dad."

Shit, that's right. Benrey had nearly forgotten. That was something Benrey was supposed to be able to do too- it was a core ability in their species- but Benrey just couldn't. Benrey wasn't able to do a lot of things they should be able to, and instead was able to do a lot of things they shouldn't. They didn't like to think about that, though.

"Let's- let's talk about it, ok? I don't-" Tommy paused. "I don't know what you've been through since everything happened. Or even what you went through even before then, but- I think- I think it would be good to talk about it."

Benrey didn't respond to that. Instead, they began chewing on their lip. They chewed hard enough to draw blood, though part of that was due to how sharp their teeth were. Tommy took notice to this and a frown settled across his face.

"Benrey, please- please don't do that."

"sorry," Benrey spoke with a monotone voice, which worried Tommy. They had learned to put a bit more expression into their voice a while ago-- it wasn't much, but it was still _something_ , and Tommy liked picking up on it-, but Tommy supposed it made sense for them to sound so drained after everything that had happened.

"It's ok. You don't need to apologize," Tommy reassured them, and Benrey only nodded in response.

"How about I get you something to chew on?" Tommy suggested. Chewing was a good stress reliever for Benrey, and Tommy had a feeling they hadn't been able to do it lately due to, well, all that they'd been through. The suggestion seemed to perk Benrey up, albeit just the slightest bit.

"that'd be.. uh, kinda poggers bro."

Tommy nodded. "Ok!" A smile worked its way onto Tommy's face. They were making progress. Agonizingly slow progress, but still progress in Tommy's eyes. "Ok. Will one of Sunkist's chew toys work? I'm sure she won't mind if you borrow it."

Benrey only nodded in response, and Tommy quickly bounced up from the bed and left the room. While Benrey waited, they absentmindedly picked at the skin of their knuckles.

Tommy came back as fast as he left, and frowned when he noticed Benrey picking at their skin.

"Benrey, stop," he said gently, grabbing Benrey's hand and coaxing it away.

"whuh..?" Benrey seemed out of it, and Tommy sighed.

"Here." Tommy decided to change the subject and handed Benrey Sunkist's chew toy. Benrey took it, feeling it around in their hands for a few moments before opening their mouth wide and chomping into the toy. They seemed slightly more content as they chewed on it, and Tommy's frown shifted into a smile.

"I'm sure you don't- don't recognize this place, right?" Tommy asked, deciding that maybe getting Benrey caught up to date with what had happened since they'd been gone and trying to get them more used to their surroundings would help when their eventual talk came. Benrey shook their head, not wanting to talk while still chewing. Tommy sat back down across from Benrey before continuing on.

"It's, uh- it's new. Dad got it for me." Tommy noticed Benrey's shoulders tense at the mention of G-Man, and he quickly reassured them, "D-Don't worry though! He's not here. I still haven't really, well, forgiven him. For what happened with you and what happened at Black Mesa."

Benrey narrowed their eyes at Tommy, almost as if they didn't believe them, which planted a seed of worries inside Tommy's head. But then their gaze softened slightly, and they instead glanced down at the chew toy in their mouth, which relieved Tommy. Tommy realized it was best to not mention G-Man for the time being. He glanced down at his hands as be fidgeted with his fingers.

"Plus, it's not in the middle of nowhere anymore! It's a nice house near Gordon's place. And- and speaking of Gordon, uh, everyone's ok after what- what happened. Gordon got a prosthetic arm. Bubby and Coomer moved in together- finally! They'd been wanting to do it since before the, uh- before the resonance cascade actually happened! But they couldn't with Bubby being in the test tube so often. But now that Black Mesa's, well- it's basically destroyed now, so, we're free to do whatever! Everyone got a lot of hush money from my-" Tommy paused, and glanced at Benrey. They were staring at them intently, waiting for them to go on, and luckily hadn't realized what he had almost said, so he continued.

"They got a lot of hush money. Which, I don't really _like_ calling it hush money, I don't- don't really like the implications, y'know?" Benrey nodded, and Tommy's smile widened. "But- but yeah! We haven't had much time to hang out as a group, since we're all, well- trying to recover.." Tommy trailed off, his smile faltering as Benrey furrowed their eyebrows and glanced away. They knew exactly what Tommy was talking about, and they didn't like it. They didn't want to talk about what they did.

"I know it wasn't really-" Tommy paused, and sighed. He knew he had to be careful about how he worded this so he wouldn't accidentally hurt Benrey. "I know you were hurt. You- you're still hurt. And that's ok. You didn't wanna hurt us. I know that."

Benrey stopped chewing on the toy and took a moment to take it out of their mouth. Tommy glanced at it, and decided that it would probably be better for Benrey to keep it for themself than to give it back to Sunkist. He was sure she wouldn't appreciate all the teeth marks on it.

"do they know?" Benrey spoke after a few moments, voice still monotone and quiet.

"I-" Tommy frowned. The both of them knew full well that everyone else would have a hard time forgiving Benrey for what happened, if they ever even did. Tommy wasn't even sure if it was _safe_ to let the others know Benrey was still alive. "I don't know."

The air was tense between them as they sat in silence for a few minutes. Tommy was about to speak up again, but Benrey beat him to it, in a sense. They didn't say anything, but instead let orbs drift out of their mouth, the colour fading from honeydew to strawberry.

Tommy immediately recognized what that meant. ' _I'm sorry_.' It was a rare one for Benrey to use, but Tommy appreciated that they used it at all.

"I know," Tommy replied. "But it's gonna- it's gonna be hard. To- to fully forgive you. At least for now."

Benrey nodded in understanding, but kept dead silent. Tommy always disliked it when Benrey was quiet. It was a stark contrast to what he was used to with Benrey- they were usually so loud and talked a _lot_ , but there were times after certain events (the only one of which Tommy was sure of was everything that had happened in Black Mesa, but he knew that there was a lot Benrey had never disclosed to him) where they would talk so little that it sometimes scared Tommy. They got back to normal quick enough, but Tommy wasn't so sure about this time.

"So.. how about I give you a- a tour? Of my new house? Maybe I can- I can even show you around the neighbourhood!" Tommy exclaimed, a bright grin spreading across his face.

Benrey tensed up at the second suggestion, and Tommy's smile faltered a little.

"Ok- ok, maybe not. A house tour is ok though, right?"

Benrey nodded, and casually placed the chew toy they had been holding back into their mouth so they could chew and stay calm while Tommy showed them around. They were always anxious in new places, and preferred the feeling of familiarity, so they were glad Tommy was going to show them around.

Standing up from the bed, Tommy grinned down at Benrey. "C'mon."

With that, Benrey stood up as well, allowing Tommy to take them by the hand and begin the house tour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter took so long! been kinda unmotivated but im Trying to work on this as much as possible


	3. sink into bed with a belly full of lead woes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again benrey has a panic attack, mixed with a bit of dissociation. if you wanna skip it's from "Their breathing began to speed up even more" to "Tommy let out a worried sigh"  
> benrey also throws up sweet voice in the beginning of the second to last paragraph, so again skip if needed.

The tour took a lot longer than Benrey had anticipated.

That was mainly due to the fact that Tommy's new house was huge. It was bigger than theirs and Tommy's childhood home, which was surprising to Benrey because Tommy lived here alone. What did he need so many rooms for?

Despite the fact that the tour was achingly long, it was actually enjoyable. Benrey had almost forgotten how much they missed listening to Tommy ramble on, and Tommy had ended up doing that a lot throughout the tour.

Plus, Tommy had a dope ass house. It was a lot better than their childhood home and much more nicely decorated. It definitely had more of a Tommy vibe to it- especially his room, which had walls painted daffodil yellow and sunflower stick-ons plastered all over it in no particular pattern. Tommy had lots of plants all over the house, too, which he all had names for and took the time to explain to Benrey why he had named each specific plant what. They really appreciated that, and Tommy seemed happy they were willing to listen.

After some amount of time that Benrey wasn't sure of, they had looped around the whole house and ended up back in Tommy's room, sitting at the edge of his bed together. 

"Did- did you enjoy?" Tommy asked, tilting his head slightly. Benrey nodded in response. 

"yeah bro, it was-" Benrey trailed off for a moment before they were able to snap back into their sentence. "uh, it was nice."

"Good! I- I'm glad!" Tommy chirped, grinning. Benrey flashed him a quick smile.

"So- I was thinking. While you were- were passed out," Tommy started, and Benrey stared at him intently, waiting for him to continue. He took a quick breath in. "You probably need new clothes. I don't have any- any of your old stuff. Dad kinda-" Tommy trailed off, looking down at his hands as he fidgeted nervously. 

"huh."

"He burnt it all."

"oh."

"He really- I-" Tommy debated whether he should bring this up or not, and quickly opted not to, remembering how Benrey had reacted earlier to too much talk of G-Man before. They'd have to get to it eventually, but for now, it could wait.

"A-Anyways- we could go to the mall?" Tommy suggested, and Benrey narrowed their eyes at him. He winced at the sharp gaze. "Maybe later. I could measure you? Get your- your size and go shopping for you?" Benrey's gaze softened, and Tommy was able to relax his shoulders a little seeing that.

"'s cool. you don't gotta do anythin for me," Benrey mumbled, their eyes shifting away from Tommy.

"N-No! I want to. I wanna help you," Tommy quickly responded.

"i don't need help. been fine on my own."

"Ben, the first time you went off on your own, you- you were gone for weeks and- y-you came back with major scarring. It scared the daylights out of me and, and-" Tommy realized he'd struck a nerve by bringing that up as Benrey interrupted him sharply.

"so? doesn't even- can't even die. didn't die. no, uh, can't, i mean." They were fumbling over their own words, and their mind was clearly starting to go somewhere else. "iiiii-"

"Hey, hey, it's ok- I shouldn't have brought it up," Tommy quickly said, resting his hand on Benrey's arm and softly rubbing in an attempt to comfort them. "Just- just breathe. In for four, out for seven."

Benrey luckily wasn't too far gone yet and was still able to process what Tommy was saying, and followed his instructions. Their breathing was shaky at the moment, but the more they focused on counting and controlling their breathing, the more it mellowed out.

The two sat there for a couple of minutes while Benrey calmed back down, the only noise being the slight hum of Tommy's AC and Benrey's shallow breathing.

"...sorry," they eventually broke the silence.

"You don't have to apologize."

More silence. It was a tense silence, and Tommy wasn't that comfortable with the vibes in the room right now. Neither was Benrey, though they did a much better job at hiding their discomfort. They'd always been good at hiding things.

"So- can I measure you-?" Tommy finally broke the silence with a question. Benrey just nodded in response. Tommy's cheeked upturned into a small smile and he practically hopped off the bed. "I'll go get the measuring tape-" He left the room way more excited than he should have been about something as simple as measuring.

Tommy came back as quick as he left, and motioned for Benrey to stand. They obliged and unbuttoned their shirt so Tommy could get measurements.

Benrey's eyes were fixated on the wall as Tommy measured them, and while Tommy didn't stare at any of their scars- he learned from that mistake long ago- he still found it so off-putting by how many there were. The top surgery scars he understood, he had those himself and he had been the one to help Benrey get top surgery in the first place, but what about the bullet scars? All the other various scars that Tommy couldn't even put names to? Why hadn't Benrey ever opened up to him about what happened when they had run away? He didn't understand, and he wanted to so badly, but G-Man refused to tell him about it and Benrey always avoided questions and-

"dude. you're squeezing too hard." Benrey's voice cut through Tommy's thoughts like a knife, and he nearly jolted from being brought out of them so quickly. 

"S-Sorry."

Tommy finished up measuring as quick as possible and in complete radio silence. Once he was done, Benrey immediately grabbed their shirt to put it back on, but Tommy reached out a hand to stop them.

"I'm sure you- you're probably tired of wearing the same shirt-" Tommy started, and Benrey just blinked at him. "Uh- You can wear one of mine. It might- might be tight-fitting but, uh-"

"k." Benrey let go of their shirt like it was complete trash and headed to Tommy's closet to pick something out for themself.

"Ok, yeah, that- that works.." Tommy mumbled, but mostly to himself.

Benrey eventually settled on a dark grey turtleneck from way back in Tommy's closet. Tommy had honestly forgotten he owned it, and it didn't look bad on Benrey at all. Benrey found themself really liking it. It was a little tight, though that was expected given theirs and Tommy's varying body types, but the texture was soothing and it covered them well. Tommy flashed them a smile as they closed his closet door.

"Lookin' fresh Benny," Tommy joked, and while he saw some semblance of joy in Benrey's eyes at the playful comment it was much more obvious that they were uncomfortable. Not with the comment, but the nickname.

Right. Tommy wasn't very used to not being able to call Benrey nicknames all the time. 

"Sorry."

"it's chill."

The two stood, the air thick with awkward tension. Both of them hated the feeling, but it was gonna be like this for a while. Tommy hoped it wouldn't be too long.

"I'm gonna go- go out and- get you some stuff. Clothes, mostly. A phone. Some stim toys. Anything else in- in particular that you'd want?"

Benrey thought for a moment. "nail polish. black." 

In all honesty, Tommy wasn't expecting that. He was expecting a game for the PlayStation, or maybe a comfort movie- he remembered Benrey really relied on those to cope when they were stuck living at Black Mesa. But nail polish? Out of all the things they could've chosen, they decided on nail polish?

"mine's chipping," Benrey added since Tommy was just staring, holding up one of their hands and showing off their long nails, which did, in fact, have extremely chipped black nail polish.

"Yeah- yeah, ok. I'll get some for you. Any- um, any specific brand you'd like?" Tommy finally spoke, breaking eye contact. It was rude to stare and Tommy tended to do that when he thought too much.

Benrey quirked their eyebrow. "brand? all look the same to me."

Tommy let out a chuckle. "Yeah, I- I get that. I'll be back."

With that, Tommy left the room and left the house quickly after, leaving Benrey alone.

  
\--

  
Benrey quickly realized that maybe it wasn't the best idea for Tommy to leave them alone for so long.

They were paranoid as fuck. They were currently sitting downstairs on the couch, petting Sunkist in an attempt to stay calm. But it was hard. Their fingers were shaky, their breathing was shallow, and although Sunkist was doing her best to help them, there was only so much a dog could do. Even the perfect dog couldn't help Benrey when they got like this. They thought that no-one could, in fact.

Benrey's thoughts were racing. Their thoughts had made a loop back to the skeletons, and they were terrified they were gonna go after Tommy. How long had it even been? How long does shopping normally take? Benrey's sense of time was incredibly skewed and with them so panicked already, it was difficult to make any sense of the situation. They felt like Tommy had been gone too long and that the skeletons had gone after him and now Tommy was in danger- or worse, dead. And it would be all their fault because they're the whole reason those skeletons exist in the first place. 

It wasn't like it was by choice. If it was, Benrey would've chosen not to have these skeletons in their life at all. All the skeletons bring is harm to the people around Benrey and they didn't think they'd be able to handle it if another person got hurt because of them.

Especially Tommy.

Their breathing began to speed up even more. The world felt like it was spinning. They tried opening up a few extra eyes to see if that would help, but that only seemed to make it worse as Benrey felt like they were beginning to spin themself.

And now their entire body was shaking. They kept glancing around, opening up various eyes across their body to check for any skeletons. They had to be here. They were in that photo with Tommy and the rest of the Science Team, so they must be nearby. And now that they were back on Earth, the skeletons were going to come back for them. They were going to-

"B-Benrey? Benrey, holy shit-!" 

Benrey's thoughts were immediately cut through by a somewhat muffled voice and a loud sound they couldn't put a name to, but that didn't help with the fact they were still spinning and shaking and, wow, why were there 4 of Tommy in front of them all of a sudden? Did he learn how to multiply? That's kinda cool, they thought to themself.

"Ben-" Benrey tried their best to focus on Tommy's words. They swore that Tommy's hands were on their shoulders, they could somewhat see that with all their eyes currently opened despite the spinning, but why didn't they feel it? "-k. I-I promise you." 

"whuh?" Benrey managed to speak up, but it didn't feel like it was their voice at all.

Tommy let out a worried sigh. He could tell Benrey was having a hard time focusing on what he was saying. Time for a plan B.

Tommy let out a large stream of sweet voice, hitting Benrey directly in the face. All of their eyes immediately shut, and they let out a loud yelp as they came to.

"what the fuuuck man-" Benrey's eyes were still screwed shut and they started vigorously rubbing at their eyes with their fists. Ok, maybe that was a little too much, but Tommy didn't know how far gone they were to calculate the appropriate amount of sweet voice needed to bring them back.

"S-Sorry," Tommy stuttered out, letting go of Benrey's shoulders.

"'s fine," Benrey mumbled as they were finally able to open their eyes again. They blinked a few times, pupils unfocused, but after a few moments, their gaze finally settled on Tommy.

"Do you- Do you wanna talk about it?" Tommy asked. He was definitely no therapist but he was doing his best to try and help Benrey out however he could. He didn't know if talking was a boundary Benrey was ready to cross just yet.

"huh? talk about what." Avoidance. That was one thing Benrey had always done and one thing Tommy always picked up on.

"You- I-" Tommy let out a struggled sigh. "Are you ok now? Back to earth?"

Benrey blinked at him, then slowly nodded.

"Good! Good, I-" Tommy flashed them a smile and tried to push his worries aside. "I just- I got your stuff. I tried to pick out clothes I thought you'd like, or- or ones you'd look good in." Tommy paused. "But it's ok if you don't like some of them. Once you're comfortable going out again, um, we can go shopping together."

Benrey nodded once more, and that managed to brighten up Tommy's smile, albeit only a little. He was glad Benrey was open to the idea of eventually going out.

"Ok, let me go grab the bags- I, um, dropped them on the way in, when I-" Tommy trailed off, then shook his head to clear the thought process and quickly went over to get the bags. Practically running back to the living room, he set the bags down on the coffee table in front of Benrey. They eyed them suspiciously, which prompted a chuckle from Tommy.

"It's ok, Ben- Rey. Nothing inside's gonna hurt you."

"wasn't- that-" Benrey was having some trouble getting their thoughts in order still, so Tommy began speaking again so they wouldn't have to worry about speaking just yet.

"So these bags are clothes. Feel free to look through them." Tommy picked up a couple of bags and tossed them on the couch besides Benrey. "This one has stim toys. I got- got a whole variety. Didn't know which ones exactly you'd like, besides- chew ones," Tommy pointed to one of the bags on the table. Benrey followed Tommy's actions but kept quiet for now.

"And then- And this one has the nail polish you wanted. Plus a no-chip top coat! And a phone for you. I got everything taken care of at the store so, um, you can just- just boot it up and go through it yourself," Tommy finished off. Benrey blinked a couple of times, taking in everything he had just said, then shifted, running their fingers through Sunkist's fur.

"i might need some, uh-" Benrey cut themself off, glancing down at their lap. Tommy raised an eyebrow.

"You- What?"

"with the- the phone. got that cringe gamer, uh, word thing. with my eyes." Benrey attempted to explain.

Tommy thought for a few seconds before he had a moment of realization. Benrey always had trouble reading. They had to focus for a really long time to be able to make some sense of the words, and it was really difficult for them to read smaller text. It was something akin to dyslexia, but had more to do with Benrey's eldritch nature.

"Shoot- that's right! I-I'm sorry it totally slipped my mind," Tommy furrowed his eyebrows with a slight frown.

"no it's- all cool. just my cringe ass nae nae eyes." Benrey was already feeling guilty for bringing it up. They should've just caved and tried to do it on their own, instead of pushing even more of their problems onto Tommy.

"No, no, it's- Benrey, it's ok. We can do some things with the phone itself to make it easier for you to use it," Tommy said, then clicked his tongue as Sunkist. She quickly hopped off the couch, giving Tommy a sloppy kiss by licking his face and heading off to her bed. Tommy plopped down on the couch next to Benrey, holding the phone in his hands.

"I'll set up the phone. You- um, you can look through those clothes. I want to go through the stim toys together."

"dope." Benrey set to work on looking through the clothes Tommy had bought them while Tommy set up their phone.

Despite there only being two bags of clothes, they were big bags. There was a lot to go through, and Benrey couldn't help but feel bad that Tommy had gotten all this for them. They didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve such nice treatment from Tommy.

Swallowing back some sweet voice, they looked through all the clothes. They were mostly darker tones, with some gaming tees that made Benrey crack a smile. There was a PS4 hoodie, sweatpants, and overall a whole variety of different clothing types. Benrey found themself liking every single one through. Some were even similar to old clothing they had, before-

Benrey quickly blocked off that thought. That wasn't something they wanted to think about. Not now, not ever.

They let out a shaky breath and forced themself into another train of thought. Tommy really knew their fashion taste, huh? 

Of course he did.

By the time they were done going through everything, Tommy was done setting up and making some changes to the phone.

"pretty pog clothes Tommy. 10/10, would give a game of the year award," Benrey looked over at Tommy, a toothy grin on their face. Tommy returned the look and was genuinely glad to see Benrey was starting to get back to their normal self. He wasn't sure how long it would last, but it was definitely a good sign.

"T-Thanks." Tommy chuckled. "Here, look," He gestured to the phone, and Benrey leaned over to get a closer look.

"So there's a bunch of accessibility settings on these- on phones. I enabled some for you to help you use it better." Tommy began to show Benrey everything he'd changed and asked Benrey to test out the various changes to make sure it worked for them. Most of the settings did help, as much as it could anyway, and the two did end up enabling and changing a couple more.

"Don't, um- Don't hesitate to ask for help if you need any. It might take some getting used to." Tommy smiled down at Benrey, and they simply nodded. Tommy was about to hand over the phone to Benrey, but another thought came to mind.

"Oh! I can add some contacts for you. Hold on-" Tommy quickly grabbed his own phone out of his pocket and opened it up, heading to his contacts app. Benrey watched closely as Tommy began to add certain contacts to Benrey's phone. 

"This one's my number. That's- that's a must. And I'm putting in Bubby's too, I- I know you two got kind of close when you were living at Black Mesa." Tommy paused, glancing over to study Benrey's expression and make sure they were ok with that. They seemed relatively indifferent, but their body was tense and their slitted pupils seemed smaller than usual, so Tommy added, "Don't worry, you don't have to contact them right away. Just if you, ever want to, um, reach out, y'know..?"

Benrey opened their mouth to speak, but instead, a stream of colours managed their way out first. They quickly shut their mouth, slapping a hand over it, but it was too late for that. 

Tommy took a moment to take in the colours. Salmon to red. It wasn't a common one, but Tommy had seen it multiple times before.

"I-It's ok, Benrey. Bubby-" Tommy furrowed his eyebrows and shifted his gaze away, chewing nervously on his lip. "I talked to, to them a bit, while I was out, Coomer too, a-a-and-" Tommy took a deep breath. "They seem to be recovering from the situation the quickest?" Tommy took a moment to glance back at Benrey.

Benrey's eyes were filled with guilt and fear, and their expression was nearing pitiful. Tommy grimaced slightly. "What I'm trying to, um, say is that- They're not mad anymore. I-I did my best to explain to them why you did what you did, told them you're back, so Bubby and Coomer, they- they've got an understanding." Tommy was starting to have trouble with his words so he stopped there.

"...why?" Benrey spoke up after a few tense moments of silence.

"Why? What-?"

"you didn't- shouldn't have tried to explain my actions. wasn't poggers of me. don't deserve forgiveness." Benrey glanced down once again and dug their nails into their thighs.

Tommy slowly reached out, gently prying Benrey's hands away. "That's just not true Benrey. You were angry and hurt and- We should've done more to help."

Benrey gripped onto Tommy's arms as he was prying their hands away. Tommy winced when their nails began to dig into his skin but decided it was better than them hurting themself.

"no. couldn't have known."

"I-" Tommy wasn't sure if they were ready to have this full conversation just yet. "All I'm trying to... say, that, Bubby and Coomer kinda know why stuff, um, happened. I wanted to tell them earlier but only got, got around to it today."

Benrey began pushing their nails in and out of Tommy's skin. "are you gonna tell feetman?"

"Fee- oh, Gordon? I-" Tommy hesitated. "I don't.. know. He hasn't been doing real good as of late and I'm not sure if he's ready for talk of.. you."

"should've fuckin guessed," Benrey hissed out.

"It's ok Benrey! Really, everything's just gonna- take some time." Tommy was quick to reassure the eldritch being, and they breathed in sharply.

"Can you let go so we can finish up with the phone?" Tommy asked when Benrey didn't say anything else. They blinked, and quickly let go of Tommy's arms. They hadn't even seemed fully aware of what they were doing.

"sorry."

"It's ok."

The air was thick between them. Tommy bit his lip and picked up the phones again, putting in one last contact.

"I'm adding Darnold as well. We've been talking a lot and, um, he comes over sometimes, so, I dunno-"

"'s cool. i getcha." 

"Oh. Cool." Tommy let out a nervous chuckle and finally handed Benrey their phone. "You can add a lock if you want."

"what."

"Like a password for your phone," Tommy explained. He forgot that Benrey had never had a phone in their life before, only gaming consoles and an old laptop they stole from someone at Black Mesa.

"oh. poggers."

"Oh! I almost forgot! We still- there's the stim toys!"

"oh hell yeah. gonna get those, those cool ass gamer streaks with em," Benrey's expression quickly shifted into a grin, but there was still clear anxiety showing in their eyes. Tommy had no clue what Benrey was going on about but didn't even mention it, he was used to Benrey being incomprehensible. They set their phone on top of the messy clothes pile beside them as Tommy grabbed the bag of stim toys.

He started pulling them out one by one and explaining what each one was and how it was meant to be used, although Benrey wasn't really focused on Tommy's words and instead on the toys themselves. They reached out for one and grabbed it.

"Oh, you like the tangle? Those are some of my favourites too, I got-" Tommy stopped his sentence short as Benrey shoved the tangle into their mouth and began chewing on it.

"Th-" Tommy was absolutely stunned by that. Benrey simply stared at them while chewing, tilting their head slightly.

"You- I- T-That works, I guess?" Tommy glanced down to the bag of stim toys, back to Benrey, then back to the bag. "Y'know what, I'll just, um, put the bag in your room."

There was a snap as Benrey bit too hard and broke the tangle in half. Their eyes were blown wide, but they didn't seem surprised by the fact they'd broken the tangle- in fact, they didn't seem to care at all. Instead, they were staring right at Tommy.

"my- whuh?" Benrey's voice was slightly shaky as they spoke and the tangle fell out of their mouth, though they payed no notice to that.

"Your... room?" Tommy was confused by Benrey's bewilderment.

"you- room??? real??"

Tommy slowly nodded. "Well, yeah, I have a few guest bedrooms that I don't need, and since you're gonna be staying here, you, um, y'know, you'll need a room," He explained.

"holy fuck," Benrey muttered under their breath, though Tommy still managed to hear it since he had way above average hearing. One of the perks of being half eldritch, he assumed.

"Do- are you ok with that?" Tommy was worried now that maybe Benrey wasn't comfortable with that.

"wha? course bro. that's like- the ultimate move. top 10 anime moments, uh, gamer den for gamer benrey."

Tommy was silent for a moment before he burst out laughing.

"A gamer den?" He wheezed out between laughs, and Benrey grinned at him.

"yeah man, gamer den. haven't had one of those in ages, it's gonna- gonna be super poggers."

Tommy's laughter died down, and he wiped a tear from his eye. "That's great, Ben."

Benrey's grin faltered. Tommy mentally cursed at himself for having so much trouble refraining from using nicknames for Benrey. It was just such a force of habit at this point.

"C-C'mon-" Tommy quickly tried to change the subject before Benrey grew uncomfortable again. "Let's, um, take all this to your room- sorry, gamer den." Tommy let out another chuckle at the term. Benrey snickered and picked up all the clothes in a big lump while Tommy grabbed the remaining two bags.

He led Benrey to their new room, which was directly across the hall from Tommy's. The two headed inside and dropped the bags onto the bed for now.

The room was pretty bland, though that made sense since it was a guest room prior. The walls were a beige colour with light grey carpet, with a queen-sized bed in the middle of the room and a bedside table on either side. There was also a desk, a dresser, a half-empty bookshelf, a cute window seat, a small closet, and a few plants placed around the room. Definitely not Benrey's style, but it would work for now.

"We can- uh, we can get the room redone later," Tommy said as he glanced around the room. "This one's right across from my room, so if you need anything you don't, don't gotta go far." Tommy flashed Benrey a small smile. They returned it, but it seemed a bit strained.

"cool."

"Cool," Tommy repeated. There were a few moments of silence- the two obviously were gonna have a lot of those-, but it wasn't tense this time. It wasn't comfortable either, but it wasn't bad. Tommy, per usual, was the one to break it.

"You- I, um-" He took a moment to gather his thoughts. "I'm gonna have Sunkist stay in here with you, for, um, for at least the time being."

Benrey shot Tommy a slightly hurt and slightly confused look, as if they knew why he was saying that but didn't want to believe he actually was.

"I just- wanna make sure you're ok. You've had two panic attacks today, I- I'm worried."

"...that's fine."

Tommy's worried look melted into one of relief. "Really? You're not- not upset?"

"i mean-" Benrey sighed. "a lil bit. but i get it."

Tommy sighed, drumming his fingers on his leg. "I'm sorry Benrey. It's not that I don't trust you, I-"

"told you, i get it," Benrey interrupted him, and Tommy quickly looked away when he saw the sharp look in their eyes.

"O-Ok, um." Tommy gulped. They were back to that tense silence that Tommy always was the one to break.

"Darnold was, um, he was gonna come over tomorrow. M-Morning. Didn't- I- Are you ok with that?"

Benrey hesitated and took a moment to think about it. Darnold probably didn't know what they did, unless Tommy had told him, but even then he wasn't directly affected by it. He wouldn't be mad at them, right? Or maybe he would, they did almost let Tommy get hurt, and apparently the two were friends now. Benrey shuddered and came to the decision that they could probably just avoid him altogether if they needed to and they shouldn't be a reason for Tommy not to have his friend over. That wouldn't be fair.

"that's totally chill bro."

"Cool!" Tommy grinned. Benrey lowered their gaze and dug their nails into their arm. This time, Tommy didn't seem to notice, as he was pulling his phone out to check the time.

"Wow, I didn't realize how long it's been," they mumbled to no-one in particular. "I'm- I gotta make dinner. You can do, um, whatever I guess," He said to Benrey, and headed back downstairs before they had the chance to respond.

Benrey just stood there for a few moments before they slowly slunk to the ground, sitting criss-cross apple sauce. They rested their elbows on their knees and put their face in their hands, letting out a string of silent sweet voice.

While they appreciated everything Tommy had done for them, they still felt like shit. They especially felt terrible that Tommy was doing all of this for them in the first place. Plus, they kept thinking about how Tommy said it would take a while for everyone to fully forgive them, but Benrey just couldn't find it in themself to believe they could forgive them at all.

After all, they couldn't even forgive themself for various things, including what happened at Black Mesa. How could anyone else?

Their string of sweet voice was interrupted as an overwhelming amount began to bubble up in their throat, causing them to choke out sweet voice all over themself. It was a whole mess of colours that Benrey didn't even want to try to read. Their sweet voice helped them clue into their feelings, since they always had a lot of trouble recognizing what exact emotions they were feeling at times, but this time, they didn't care. They didn't want to know what they were feeling.

All they knew was that it was a bad feeling that had been lingering since they were defeated at Xen, and it was only getting worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter took so long i have fail mental illness and shits been kinda fucked but im still working on this fic i promise


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